What is it like to remain unmarried for your whole life?

What is it like to remain unmarried for your whole life?

Like others have noted, without having been married it isn't really possible to compare and contrast it.

I'm heading in to my mid-30s and have never been married and haven't been in any serious romantic relationships for at least 5yrs or more. In my mid-20s, following a bad break up I decided to devote myself to going back to school and career change. Now at 34 I've largely accomplished my goals of a decade before, and am realizing that I don't really have much outside of work and my hobbies/interests. While my little brother got married, had a daughter, and is expecting another baby, I'm finding myself alone.

I relish the freedom I have to do what I please when I feel like it: even if that freedom is used, more often than not, to simply sleep in and loaf around on my days off. When I decide to go somewhere I simply hit the road with a vague itinerary in mind: no placating somebody else's stomach or bladder or motel room standards. I also have no obligation to sit around and make nice at an in-law's house, or to hang out with a girlfriend's circle of friends, or to sheepishly wait outside a woman's changing room at a department store.

However as you get older you realize that that freedom, to go and experience life as you please, comes at the price of never having a committed person in your life to share those experiences with. Which can occasionally make you feel lonely.

I'm interested in enough stuff, and adroit enough at entertaining myself, that in my daily existence that sort of existential loneliness doesn't make itself felt. Occasionally however it does.

Sometimes you are reminded of your bachelorhood at social functions like a holiday dinner for work where, sans "+1", you inevitably get stuck at the young, single employee table. Once all of your friends marry and have children of their own you find they restructure their social life around befriending a network of other couples who can be trusted to watch their kids, or share in after curricular carpool duties... all stuff a single man can't really relate to or credibly help out with. As an aging, single man all your previously close friendships with single people become increasingly distant acquaintanceships with couples you rarely see or interact with.

Also financial independence aside, I think it becomes more difficult to do things like buy a home on a single income. At least where I currently live it seems implausible to buy any real estate on a single income while paying off a mountain of college loan debt. Just about all the folks I know who do own their own homes are married with a working spouse. This is one of the sadder aspects of being single--I do want to own my own little place someday where I can tinker around in the garage in a little workshop of my own. Desiring a sense of permanent 'home' has been a constant longing in my life but as a single man I've felt increasingly doomed to a quasi-nomadic, renter's life. Most of that is psychological I know, but the simple fact remains for me that I know of maybe one or two examples of a single, unmarried person owning their own place.

Finally there is the issue of having children. I'm not at all a big believer in the institution of marriage but I do think it can provide a stable environment for the rearing of children. I've gone back and forth as to whether or not I want children.

As I've gotten older the idea has become increasingly appealing whereas at 20-25 the idea seemed absurdly expensive. I'm not sure if I'll get to the point where I really want children though: they are still more expensive today that at anytime in the past...and marriage of course isn't a necessary precondition for making them.

But I just don't know. Without a wife or a significantly committed woman in my life the idea of having children seems likewise implausible.

Getting older without another person to rely on is not so much of a concern in my life but may become increasingly so. The idea of being stuck somewhere after a surgery sucks. I just had my eyes dilated for an eye exam and had to wait a few hours before getting on the freeway to get home. I guess if I was married I could (hopefully) depend on my wife to assist me in times of need--but a long-time girlfriend or friend could be expected to do the same.

Marriage as an institution feels very arbitrary and superfluous to me: sort of an archaic cultural construct that evolved in a pre-Industrial historical epoch. Aside from the rearing of children and potential financial leverage of two incomes, it feels more natural to not be married than to be married. In some Native American communities a marriage was simply the recognized living-together-of-a-man-and woman, nothing much more formal than that--and that's how I feel it honestly should be. Instead, our society has accreted an enormous amount of ceremonial, societal, moral, and legal superstructure over the whole simple, natural act of men and women shacking up and making babies together.

But it isn't just a Western, Judeo-Christian tradition; marriage is a globally arrived at solution for reproduction and defining family units around the world, although the precise character of marriage changes from place-to-place, people-to-people. People everywhere around the world have been getting married from prehistoric times--it's obviously not just a tired fad the Baby Boomers have handed down.

As a single man, with no signs of marriage in sight and no strong desire to be married, I sometimes wonder if I am missing out on some fundamental dimension of the human experience. That is sharing my life in a committed relationship with another human being whose genetic material I'd like to share in creating another generation of descendants, whose maternal qualities I trust to the raising of those children, and whom I can depend on in times of great distress and into the frailty of advanced age and illness and death.

By somehow never allowing myself to be molded/restrained by the experience of marriage, I wonder if I have grown into a person unable to compromise, to deeply share, to put somebody's interests above my own. Sometimes I wonder if the lessons of marriage and incidentally those of raising kids, of being committed to them for the rest of your life, to placing their well-being above my boundless personal autonomy, are the final suite of lessons to be learned in the arc of human maturation.

If I never get married will I remain emotionally underdeveloped: just an old, cantankerous teenager with money and lots of introspective life experience? Is marriage the final battery of self-disciplining life lessons—in which one performs a familial duty to countless generations of ancestors by selflessly by bringing a new round of human life, a new family, into a cycle of existence? If I never have to compromise with a committed partner, if I never raise children and take responsibility for them, and instead focus on making money to care exclusively for myself—am I shirking the ultimate responsibility as an adult of my species?

Today, in the 21st century many people still get married, some at an extremely young age, continuing a timeless tradition. Many practically bankrupt themselves, or more particularly their parents, on a lavish ceremony just to impress upon others that they have made the transition to a married phase of life--which by my own observation is nothing worthy of celebration (staying married is). A large proportion of these marriages succeed in their 'till-death-do-us-part' vows, but many don't.

One thing that feels great about not being married is not having to deal with the constantly looming threat of divorce, which by all accounts sounds absolutely miserable and financially ruinous. Being free from marriage means being free from divorce.

And stopping short of divorce, I've known some miserable married people who would obviously lead happier lives without marriage. Some are jealous, some are distrusting of their partners--and some have good reason to be. I'll take being ambivalently single to being in a bad marriage any day.

I think it very much depends on the culture in the society you plan to live in. That shapes the way people think and feel about others.

If the society is liberal, people find their own ways of living. They can decide that they want to stay unmarried, and perhaps have intimate relations.

It is totally another thing if one wants to get married to share their thoughts, feeling and everything else with someone and still remain unmarried for various reasons, then I think it will be very painful.

I think, it is one of the basic needs of us humans to connect to someone or a community in a deep and meaningful way. In fact sharing a profound though or idea ( at least according to you ) with someone you love or care about is one of the most satisfying things one can do. The person you are married to will definitely be one such person.

I have strongly felt that every thought, no matter how small, longs to be either put into some sort of an action or flow and reach a person who is important to you. Being unmarried for life could mean that there are less chances of sharing your most deep feelings, fears, small pleasures etc. which adds to the feeling of isolation and can be painful.

At least in India, where I come from, marriage is one of the main ways people are brought together in a strong bonding. And it is the norm that people get married by they are 30 or early 30's. This means that almost everybody you know are married and are busy with their own families. It gets harder and harder to connect with them and with others in general. Also, an unmarried person is easily seen as a miserable one in Indian societies, parents of such grow anxious and are often very sad about it.

But, being unmarried also means less responsibility and more freedom to go your own way. Some may choose to be unmarried for this reason. They may reach out to share their thoughts using other means such as art, writing, science, research and many more.

It’s not very nice.

At all.

Life is a long road when you walk alone on your own.

And I know that this will not be one bit to the taste or comfort of many people here, that I will touch a very raw nerve here for many, but that is what I have sincerely seen in life time and again.

Not all marriages are happy ones, but the overwhelming majority of unmarried persons with no children in my observation and experience end up lonely and deeply unhappy. Some even start to question what the point of life is in a way that is frankly depressing.

This isn’t rocket science. Look, it is all good and fine when you are very young. There is plenty of stuff to do, places to visit, a ton of friends to go out with, all kinds of adventures to be had. And you think “Why settle down when I can continue to have so much fun and adventure?”

It grows old after a while.

Because most of your friends get married, they have spouses and children to whom most of their time is rightfully devoted.

Two things -

Humans are hardwired to be social animals.

Humans need something to live for, a deep motivation to draw them, a responsibility to carry out.

Now you will have the odd case here and there of someone who is so devoted and passionate about their work, that it fulfills all of their emotional needs. But those are few and far between.

The other thing is that you had better be one hell of a resilient SOB if you are to return everyday to an empty house. To put it in plain terms for better or worse, I’m a harder man than most others but will admit frankly that no matter how strong you may be, it is simply a cruel feeling to know that you’re essentially on your own to swim or sink against the tide.

And no number of friends no matter how close they may be, will be even a fraction as supportive, empathetic and intimate with you so constantly as a loving spouse.

And I can tell you personally that it is not a very good feeling when you’ve had a terrible day and have to return to your den to lick your wounds all by yourself. No, you can’t go calling your friends every other day! Not once they have their own families at least.

You know, people often think that an obligation like marriage and children will get in the way of their careers when the truth more often than not is the exact opposite.

If you are in a high stress career (which is pretty much every prestigious line of work), it’s not very nice to have nothing but your own spine to fall upon time after time. That spine had better be a really thick one.

Ask me what it feels like even as a man still only in his 30s to be yelled at by your boss, in a ‘Fuck you, suck it up and deal with it!’ cut-throat field like finance and banking, to have a day at work every now and then that is straight out of hell, then to have to suck it up and swallow that bitter cup in emotional terms all by yourself.

There were times when I would return back very late from an awfully bad day at work and call up one of my exes as late as close to midnight and say in a downright pitiful manner “Today was very painful and I really need someone to talk to right now, even if only for a few minutes.” It was borderline pathetic.

They were always incredibly patient and compassionate to me. But at some point I simply realized that I couldn’t go doing that every week. Not as a grown man at least.

And many successful professionals in the latter stages of their lives have said this to me more times than I could care to count.

In perhaps the most prototypical case of that, one of my aunts who was very successful in her career eventually hung up her boots in her 50s because she quite plainly said once to me “Why work anymore? I have no family, no children to provide for. This thing feels meaningless now.”

Try then spending the next quarter of a century in retirement with no family of your own, your parents deceased years ago, no children or spouse to miss you or shed tears on your grave when you’re gone.

Then all of that freedom, wealth and leisure doesn’t look very enticing anymore, does it?

Not only marriage, I would go even one step further in terms of having children.

We often speak of our society in the West as being individual-centric. It isn’t. It is actually family and children-centric. Because most people will walk through hell for their children, it’s what gets them to wake up every morning, bend their backs and work. Or you had better really love your job or profession if you plan on doing that as the only motivation for the next 40 years by yourself!

The fact that you have those lives who you are devoted to so deeply and who depend on you can be motivating like you will not believe! It is the kind of thing that made my father get up and go to law school as late as his mid 30s, work unbelievably hard twelve hours a day, six days a week, and make a huge success of himself as a powerful attorney who started life out as the son of a small-time peasant.

Yes it may appear all impressive but the truth is that for all his talent and will power, I could not imagine him having done that if he did not have the support of my mother and more importantly, the unbelievable level of motivation that came from wanting to provide a life for his children far better than he had ever dreamed of, let alone ever had.

Marriage is not some mere mundane institution. I hear people say it all the time. And I think to myself that they say it either out of ignorance when they’re young or to comfort themselves when they’re old.

No, that institution - marriage, family, children - is the very cornerstone of human civilization. Without marriage and family, we would have a nihilistic world where individuals would eventually wonder what the point or purpose of life is at all.

And you will see plenty proof of that if you have lived for any significant amount of time in large cities like New York. It is especially harsh on women because after a point, it becomes very hard to find a partner since the vast majority of men want to have children and that isn’t possible for the woman not due to some ‘cultural construct’ but from plain biology. Men on the other hand have their own personal hell in that they can’t even complain.

Each gender has its own devil.

My little sister who is married now and will have her first child this summer, right up to her late 20s said that she never wanted to marry or have kids.

And I remember telling her

“There is nothing wrong with that life decision but know fully well the pros and cons of it. And like any other important call you make in life, carefully now consider the steep costs that will come with it, not just for today or the next couple of years but for the next twenty or thirty years.”

This answer has to do with a relative. She's pushing 40, beautiful(according to me) and has an insanely successful career. She has never been married and I don't know about her relationships, but from what I can tell she hasn't been in one. She lives with her mother.

Here are the things I gathered about her:

1) She travels whenever she wants. She doesn't need to coordinate with another person over schedules or locations. She wants to go to Bali, she'll pack her bags and GTFO of India to go to Bali. There's no waiting or planning; there's just doing.

2) She is loaded. Seriously, she is. I'd estimate that she earns upwards of Rs. 2 lakhs per month. No husband/partner to buy gifts for and no icky children whose demands need to be fulfilled leaves her with more than enough to do whatever she wants.

3) All her time belongs to her and no one else. She is continuously indulging in activities that improve her - reading, writing, travelling, gymming. Whatever she wants to do, she can do(and does) with her free time.

4) She gets lonely from time to time. In spite of all the amazing things that she is, she has expressed once or twice that she would have liked to be married. At family functions or with friends who're married/committed, she feels the void.

5) She is the cautionary tale for the youngsters in the family. This one really gets my goat but there's no denying it. I cannot tell you how many times relatives would say "When are you getting married? Do it soon...don't tell me you want to be like *her*"!

There are a lot of disadvantages and advantages of being single(or being married too). In the end, life is what you make of it.

Hmm….

There are times I picture my life as a woman who never gets married ever, because:

I'm not ready to compromise & just marry anyone.

I'm a chronic introvert who would only let certain people into my personal space & life.

Is every human a social being?

I've read answers which claim that, “In the end, we're all social beings who need company”

My tendency of being social in the way many describe is very poor or low.

I've suffered through incredible vacations with friends & family which were torturous to me. I kept asking myself, “When will this be over?”

I've had expensive vacations paid for me with a shopping budget which I hated.

People come back from vacations musing with wonder but I return miserable & wishing I never stepped foot outside my house.

This is the 1st year that I figured out that I hate vacationing with other humans & I'm putting a stop to that misery. Last year, I cancelled a vacation to Jamaica & Vegas (many others) with friends. This year, I pretended to be excited to go to Dubai again then canceled at the last minute when my friends pressed me to commit.

To be fair, the only vacation I'd approve is only that with 1 of my sisters (mind you, I have 5 sisters but can only stand 1 of them). She's incredible & the only person by far who understands how to keep her nose out of my business.

Another trip I wish to plan is with my mom. It's more for her than me because somehow, I want her to leave Nigeria now & then to relax.

Is an unmarried life a sad life/failure?

Another answer cited 1 particular aunt who was financially successful but unmarried & has become the unfortunate woman every mom warns their daughters about.

We focus on this woman's unmarried status & ignore the success she's achieved in other parts of her life. That's the only sad thing in that story.

I haven't heard of any unfortunately unmarried man who fathers warn their sons about.

The only problem I see in this situation is Society which regards any unmarried persons, especially women as failures.

I also wonder why out of all things in life, this is the 1 failure we willingly lift from the world & carry on our shoulders.

If we didn't meet “marriage” as a relevant social step, many unmarried people, especially women wouldn't see themselves as failures.

In my own case, here's what a colleague told me 1 day,

You're 1 woman I know who doesn't need a man to be happy. You're an example of a complete human that I give my friends when they are desperate for relationships or remain stuck in depressing relationships.

She also told me,

You're too independent. Men want someone they can save.

This premise makes it look like I need to be less of myself, when who I am is already complete, with or without a man, friends or family.

Why is it necessarily a bad thing or strange even that I don't align with society's morbidly unhealthy fixation with finding soulmates or completeness in other humans?

Why is finding a soulmate in myself a bad thing?

People look at women like me, feel sorry for us, and assume we're sad & miserable. However, they're the ones who're sad & miserable because they're still desperately searching for the key to their happiness in others when mine is in my own hands.

I've found that such people project their own unhappiness on others. Period!

Is marriage relationship the only relationship which matters?

If I never get married, I know I'd continue to date. I still do.

However, I'd continue to have an incredible relationship with my coworkers. Yes! Do you know that we spend 8 hrs+ of our very active lives in our places of work? 1 of my colleague said she sees me more than she sees her own husband.

We focus on marriage as the ultimate relationship goals & forget other relationships in our lives. If we never marry, do those relationships just disappear?

People wrongly assume that marriage with a husband & kids means we're never lonely & that an unmarried life means we'd be perpetually lonely & miserable. Have you ever seen those who got married to drive away their loneliness? We know how it works out for them. A life of disappointment!!

Have you ever being surrounded by a crowd of friends & family but you feel very alone? That's how I feel. The only difference is that I enjoy that loneliness. I enjoy losing myself in a sea of people & disappearing somewhere nice, in my mind.

What happens if all our friends are married & we're not?

I once visited my girlfriend in Nigeria & she left her kids with the nanny & we had a nice time at some bar with drinks & fish with other friends till the early hours of the morning.

I'm an introvert.

I don't always need human company but if I do, this relationship doesn't magically disappear just because I'm unmarried.

My future unmarried self…..

So, friends get married & become busy with life, I'd be equally busy with my career, traveling for fun & building projects to help Nigerian youths battle unemployment, poor quality education & become empowered to do more.

Eventually, when my friends’ kids are grown & move out of their homes, they can either join my cause or we can intermittently reconnect over our mutual interests of now being free of kids.

Does this question also assume that every marriage lasts forever & our partners would also live forever? That's a great wish to have :).

So, if you ask me what an unmarried life is like, I'd tell you that in the absence of a life partner, a positive relationship with myself trumps society's misunderstood opinion about my life :).